A MUST READ for anyone thinking of doing Stand Up Comedy

©2012, Mirror Image Presentations
AUTHOR’S CAVEAT: This post has not been edited since 2012. I offer no apology for excessive use of the words that, had, and have, missing or misplaced commas, or excessive use of the exclamation point!

After Saturday’s all day exercise program, Pokey and I were able to skip the dog park on Monday but by Tuesday morning Saturday’s effect had already worn off and I was repeatedly having to say, “Pokey! Get off the cat’s back!” The other day Meck the cat jumped up onto Pokey and hung on around his neck. For one brief moment, Meck clawed his way onto Pokey’s neck, then jumped off and took off down the hallway. His jump onto Pokey was gentle; as if he was saying, “you’d better watch your back because I am a cat and I can easily jump you, clamp on, and not let go until I decide to climb the ceiling!”

Miao, who was missing for two months before she showed up under my car one day emaciated, has been steadily gaining weight. After towel washing her thoroughly I realized that she needed a bath. I have never known any cat who is so comfortable in water. This is one cat who is content no matter what I have her try. For proof, check out “Miao Does Her Pull Ups” on YouTube. She has been picking up her old habits, like climbing into cabinet drawers,

disappearing into closed closets,

finding and playing fetch with my white gum eraser and flinging my earplugs all about the room. When I place them into a small one inch plastic container, she throws the container about the room. I cannot leave one single piece of paper in the toilet or she feels compelled to fish it out and fling it around the bathroom. It usually lands on the mirror before making a snail trail down to the base where it just hardens until I find it. It’s good to have Miao back. She keeps me laughing, that’s for sure.

When last I spoke with Madame Obermayer, I had called to tell her that, after missing for two months, Miao had reappeared one day under my car, emaciated. When she told me just three months earlier that her cat had been put to sleep, I listened patiently as she cried hysterically. I only wanted to tell her the good news — the My cat was not dead or lost but Home! But Madame being Madame, could not allow me the time nor space to share my good news. By the time she took a breath, giving me a moment to interject, I simply thought it’s easier to just keep my mouth shut than to attempt to get empathy from one who is unfamiliar with the word.

I began thinking to myself, was it really good news that my cat had returned? Such is the mind that has been twisted for over half a century by an egomaniac. Instead, I ended the call in the closest semblance of truth that came to me, “you are cruel and heartless.” Then I simply hung up. I had spoken the truth, just as I had when at age 8, I called Madame a “witch” and was spanked with her wooden spoon. Six years later, when I was 14 an my pronunciation of the American language had improved, I called her a “bitch.” This landed me in foster homes on both sides of the Atlantic and eventually on the wrong side of The Iron Curtain — in Mummy’s ‘family’ room.

Hanging up is not the phone etiquette my mother taught me but it is the etiquette she showed me. I’m sure my hanging up on her didn’t phase her; just one less care to worry about but to me, it’s been painful to feel how my heart has been ripped out of my chest over and over to satisfy the interest of an egomaniac. Once before, in 1982 I hung up on her. How much easier my life could have been had I left the painful past behind me. But I am human.

These past three weeks, I’ve shown up for stand up at four different venues six times with the anticipation of doing my 3 minute bit. But it’s either a lottery system (my name was not picked) or they cancelled, or they’re not having open mic tonight or the restaurant has other plans or the venue is closed tonight due to plumbing problems. Yesterday I thought I would be smart and arrive almost an hour early to stand in line as one of the first 13 to show up. As I turned the corner to go north from Sunset, I saw that I might still get in the line if I run but I had to park two blocks away and by the time I arrived, at 4:10, I was number 16 in line.

I waited, realizing that things change, people drop out, people are eliminated. There might be a chance for me yet. When I was informed, “thank you but you can go home now,” I proceeded to the front of the line to make inquiries. I found out that the first person in line had arrived at NOON! The second, third, fourth and fifth had arrived between 12:30 and 3:00. Next week I will show up, book in hand, at 3:00. Nothing in life is reliable and certainly nothing within the world of comedy is.

The best advice I read on the link to Comedy.com: CALL BEFORE YOU HAUL!

There is one life.
This life is God.
This life is perfect.
This life is my life now.
Wherever I show up, God sent me.
He gives me the power to do all things in strength.
I know that my life is unfolding perfectly as it should.
Nothing is out of place except my expectations. God provides me the power I need to love everyone,
including those who might have thought that they were my enemies.
I know my thoughts are divine cause. I know my consciousness if reflected by the events in my life.
I accept this as it is, anticipating a reflection of good to appear because I send out only good.
I release my word, knowing as a man thinketh, so be it.

And so it is.


About AmericanValuesRestored

"Glad to have you, Alan," said the A.D. The purpose of this blog, AmericanValuesRestored.com, is to provide thoughtful writing, and direct the reader to spiritually inspired videos on how to teach your cat to use the toilet, how to train your dog to make you heel, and references to the state of Abundance, as introduced in book I of my seven book series, 'A Boy Alone,' 'Obsessed.' Take a step into Consciousness. Check it out on Amazon Kindle, Kobo, Smashwords, and Barnes and Noble. For a good laugh, go to YouTube, and check out Meck&Miao, and Pokey. Some cute short videos under a minute include: 'Tonight's Entertainment.' 'Meck takes the stairs,' 'Meck and Miao examine the new puppy,' 'Happy together,' 'Afternoon Delight,' 'Pokey and Miao fight it out,' 'Meck and Miao attack,' and 'National Boxing Day." Meck&Miao and Pokey.
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